Things Not to Buy in 2011

With 2011 upon us, journalists around the country are sharpening their keyboards to write up predictions on the best and worst purchases in the coming year. It’s this latter category of articles that really annoy me. Written with titles like the ‘10 Things Not to Buy in 2011’ they promise to prevent poor purchasing decisions on behalf of their readers.

Unfortunately, these articles aren’t focusing attention on the right products. One, for example, cautions people not to buy DVDs because online movie streaming services may provide a better alternative.

So avoid DVDs? That’s the kind of terrible product your paper needs to warn readers about? God forbid someone spends money on a portable movie disk that takes up a half inch of shelf space in your home! Buy a DVD in 2011 and fifteen years from now you’ll be desperately begging your children for forgiveness as they break off all contact with you?

No, I can come up with a ton more than just 10 things not to buy in 2011, and mine make a lot more sense.

Take rabid monkeys. Or rather, don’t take them. If you find yourself passing a discount monkey store on your way home from the bar and think “I’ve always wanted a monkey, but rabies testing is so expensive,” just keep driving. Because my friend once the novelty of the monkey and uncontrollable drooling wears off, that’s a decision you and your whole family will regret.

What about garbage? Nope, another entry for the ‘do not buy in 2011’ list. I’d add to this list both burning garbage and stolen garbage, like the type you might buy out of the back of a van in a mall parking lot. Yes, this does include nuclear waste. Adding radiation doesn’t change the fact that it’s still just garbage.

Stew cooked by a hobo? Pass. Silent smoke alarm? Not for you. Two-liter bottles of cat urine? Let a less discerning shopper spring for that one.

I feel comfortable making a blanket recommendation to stay away from any product described with the following words:

• Fire damaged
• Unisex
• Leaky
• Nigerian

Avoid signing up for that membership in the Papercut of the Month club. Stop searching eBay for scratch and sniff bumper stickers or used breast implants. Cross ‘petrified goldfish’ off of your shopping list.

Use some common sense and you won’t need to consult any news articles before purchasing products in 2011. Instead spend that time popping in a new DVD and watching that award winning movie about the fire damaged Nigerians who beat the odds to build a leaky, unisex school building.