Saturday, April 16, 2011

30-Second Screenplays

Hello.  I recently saw your Craigslist ad seeking a writer for 30-60 second screenplays that featured a mid-20s female character.  You said you would pay $100 per accepted script and I think this could be a fantastic arrangement for both of us.

I’ve enclosed a few scripts that I was able to quickly write up for your review.  I think they could serve as great material for an actress demo tape.  Here’s the first one, a thriller, which I call Growing Tension.


INT. FAMILY LIVING ROOM – DAY

We see JAMIE sitting at her dining room table, with her back to the family room.  She’s a young mom currently focusing on her laptop computer, its lid facing us.  Behind her, a boy and a girl play rambunctiously.  Her brow furrows in concentration.

JAMIE
Kids?

No response.  She continues typing on her computer, haltingly, as she pauses to watch the screen.  The kids begin a pillow fight and their banter grows louder.

JAMIE
(slightly louder)
Kids...

The kids are still oblivious to her.  They have abandoned the small pillows and are hitting each other quite hard with large couch cushions.  Swinging wildly they hit furniture, shelves, and the window blinds as much as each other.

Their play is having an obvious effect on Jamie’s concentration, but she still looks only at her computer screen.

JAMIE
(louder still)
Kids...

Still no reaction from the kids, who now toss away the couch cushions and start circling each other like cage fighters.  Jamie continues working at the computer but raises a questioning eyebrow.  Her voice is losing its mother tone.

JAMIE
Kids.

The children charge and we see little more than a flurry of tiny fists, feet, and rumpled clothing.  Cries of pain are mixed with their angry shouts. 

Jamie's fingers continue pounding at the computer.  Her keystrokes match pace with the violent fighting in the background.  The look on her face shows us she’s nearing her breaking point.

JAMIE
Kids!

The boy flips his sister over his shoulder and she tumbles half way across the room.  The girl lands with a painful thud near the fireplace.  Slowly picking herself up, we notice her right hand now grips the fireplace poker.  She smiles a terrible smile at her brother and advances towards him as scared pleas escape his mouth. 

Jamie’s typing and clicking finally comes to a sudden halt.

JAMIE
That’s the end for you little fuckers!

The CAMERA changes to Jamie’s point of view where we see that she has been working on a computer simulation of cancer this whole time.  The words “CURE FOUND” blink on her screen.  She’s found the cure for cancer!  Her outburst was directed at the infected cells.

We hear small hands clapping in the background as the scene FADES TO BLACK.


I already have a great sequel idea where the woman is driving her mini-van with the kids arguing in the back as she texts instructions to the president on disarming a nuclear bomb.

I like to think of this next script as Man on Wire meets Soul Surfer.  It’s an action adventure with heart called Don’t Go Riding Waterfalls.


EXT. NIAGRA FALLS - DAY

The falls present a beautiful sight –- blue water cascades over the curving edge to a rolling river shrouded in mist.  But then our perspective jumps to the base of the falls and their raw power is no longer hidden by beauty.  Here we can almost feel the force of the water as it endlessly roars down upon the rocks.

We withdraw to the safety of an observation deck where we see a middle-aged man at the railing.  CLARK strains against the safety barrier, eyes scanning the top of the falls.

Now we notice Clark is clutching a faded and worn Polaroid picture taken just a few minutes earlier.  The photo shows a smiling woman, his daughter ALEXIS, climbing into a large barrel.  It’s the old wooden wine cask variety.

Back on Clark we see him catch sight of something at the top of the falls.  The CAMERA zooms until we see it is that very same barrel containing Alexis.  It bobs up and down in the rapids, often submerging completely as it is drawn down the river. 

Right as her barrel is about to topple over the edge of the falls it inexplicably EXPLODES in a massive fireball.

We turn back to see Clark with one arm up shielding his face from the blast.  His expression is a mixture of anguish and disbelief.  After a moment he turns away from the water and slowly shuffles into the gift shop.

     FADE OUT.


The best part about that script is you don’t have to pay travel expenses for your actress to be on location!  Take the picture of her climbing into the barrel next to any local river.

Ok, one more for now.  This script is a romantic comedy I’ve named The Neural Food Network.


INT. FUTURISTIC SPACESHIP – NIGHT

TOUCHSCREEN WALL WITH LIGHTS

Most of the wall lights have taken on an amber hue as they gently pulse their status or function.  We hear soft FOOTSTEPS as a man comes into view.  JAYAN is wearing a lightweight jumpsuit covered in pockets with miscellaneous small tools and papers poking out. 

He smiles and touches one of the lighted spots next to a microwave-like door in the middle of the wall.

JAYAN
Good morning Replicook. 

The feminine but computerized voice of REPLICOOK emerges from speakers in the wall.

REPLICOOK
Replicook awaits your command.

Jayan stretches out his arms and tries to stifle a yawn.

JAYAN
I slept like a baby.  How was your night?

REPLICOOK
Operational records indicate no Replicook faults between the 2200 and 0600 hours.

JAYAN
Would it kill you to just say "fine" for once?

REPLICOOK
Negative. Altering the content of Replicook’s verbal output would not trigger a catastrophic system failure.

JAYAN
(chuckling)
Oh Replicook, you are such a kidder.  Hey, how about whipping me up Nutriration #17?

REPLICOOK
Nutriration #17 would exceed your recommended caloric meal allotment.

JAYAN
What?  Are you saying I’m too fat?

REPLICOOK
Replicook is not programmed to issue a medical diagnosis. However, sensors indicate that your mass has increased by 7% over the past month.

Jayan affectionately pats the wall console.

JAYAN
That’s only because somebody cooks me such delicious meals!  Come on, I promise I’ll do an extra set on the Yogacizer later.

All is silent for a moment, then the wall lights shift to a deeper shade of red.

REPLICOOK
Commencing preparation of Nutriration #17.

JAYAN
That’s my girl!

We hear HUMMING as the replicator works.  Jayan smiles tenderly at the wall, in no particular hurry.

FADE OUT.


These three scripts give you good variety to start showcasing an actress’s range.  Just be prepared for the Oscar nominations to roll in!  You can send me a check for the $300 or transfer it to me via PayPal.  Let me know when you’re ready for me to write more!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Who pays the price for our laughter?

In a story originally broadcast on NPR’s Marketplace John Moe reports concerns that several popular YouTube videos, featuring an animal called the loris, may actually reveal signs of abuse.

Far from innocent fun, Mr. Moe suggests these clips depict cruelty towards an animal so helpless it actually uses sleep as a defense mechanism.  That's right, when faced with a predator's attack the last thought of a loris may be "guess I'll just grab a quick nap during the gruesome parts."

These videos were viewed on YouTube more than 6 million times by people around the world.  If they were like me they laughed -- laughed and shared these videos with their friends so they too could laugh.  Amidst all this laughter only one man thought to stop laughing, start investigating, and only after he revealed the truth resume laughing, probably about something completely different.

Mr. Moe's selfless act inspired me to take a new look at the other YouTube videos that make us laugh, and what I discovered was shocking.

One popular video making the rounds called Twin Baby Boys Having a Conversation shows us two infants standing in a kitchen.  At first glance their smiles and playful chatter make it seem like this is simply an adorable moment caught on home video.

As I watched the boys my mouth unwittingly curled into a smile and I struggled to stop a laugh from escaping my throat.  I managed to mask it by faking a hacking cough I first developed back when I still secondhand smoked.  Now scared to trust my own instincts on humor I contacted Dr. Helena Katerschmidt, an expert on child development at the Trottings Institute, for her take on this video.  She confirmed my fears.


Dr. Katerschmidt immediately pointed out that neither of the boys were wearing clothes, a normal covering used by human children.  Clothing is worn by babies to regulate body temperature and provide protection from the elements.  These children are otherwise vulnerable because they are cannot grow fur or operate textile manufacturing equipment on their own.

"Without clothing a baby might also be subjected to ridicule by other children or adults," said Dr. Katerschmidt.  "This can stunt their social development, cause behavioral problems, or even lead to a reality TV series."

Another area of concern was the boys' speech.  Upon closer examination the twins did not seem to be speaking English or any other recognizable language.  Dr. Katerschmidt reported seeing similar behavior among prisoners of war, where they often developed secret systems of communication to combat eavesdropping by their captors.  "The happy demeanor of the boys may just be part of the deception," she said.  "They could actually be discussing very grave subjects, such as what fate had befallen their triplet brother."

However the biggest threat may not be to the boys in this video but to all the other babies of the world.  "People watch a funny two minute video and immediately want to run out and get a child of their own," reported Dr. Katerschmidt.  Raising a child is a serious commitment and one that should not be taken lightly, despite what popular baby name books would otherwise indicate.

Even with proper care and attention a child may never provide the entertainment a parent so desperately seeks.  "The popularity of this video seems to support the theory that the world is filled with ugly, talentless babies that people just need a break from," Dr. Katerschmidt said.  She cautions that it often takes months of intense supervision and a lot of luck before you even see a child do something worth writing about on Twitter.

Whether YouTube will review their policy about hosting this type of video is not yet known.  But each of us can take action today and make our own choices about what we watch.  Are you willing to look your friend in the eyes when they try to show you the hilarious video of bees attacking El Salvadorian soccer players and say "no"?  If not, are you willing to look the bees in their eyes?