Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A Letter to My Future Girlfriend

As a child I remember hearing stories about a future reliant on computer dating.  Now here we are!  I'm so glad those predictions were wrong and that I can still date human females.

I am looking for a special kind of woman.  One with whom I can experience those wonderful moments that make life seem like a song.  But it should seem like that year's hit song, and not some old song that causes teenagers to roll their eyes and giggle at me.

I want to share that instant where we spot each other across a sunny mountainside meadow and run together with outstretched arms. Except you are running alongside me as we both try to catch up with a baby stroller careening downhill.  As we frantically chase it we share a look that seems to say “who makes these things?!”  Referring to the stroller and not the baby, of course.


During our first kiss I want sparks to fly.  Not just because of our strong emotional connection but because we're in a steel mill full of shooting sparks.  Then the smiling mill workers gather round and cover us with fireproof blankets before an OSHA inspector shows up.


I also want those quiet evenings where we stay in and snuggle close together by a blazing fireplace.  You will turn and look deeply into my eyes, somehow correcting my nearsightedness without the costly price tag of laser surgery.

Maybe we could attend a baseball game together and the batter will hit a home run right into our section.  I'll lunge and make an amazing catch!  After the game we will find the batter and have him sign it for both of us.  Then I sell the ball on eBay.  That day will always remind you of what good business sense I have.

At some point in our relationship we will have a big fight.  You'll drive off in the rain crying.  This causes you to accidentally hit me with your car as I run over to apologize.  But then you discover it wasn't me after all, just a similar looking bum.  You will be so relieved that we make up and move in together, ideally in a neighborhood with fewer bums.

One night as we walk home from dinner a street artist will beckon us over and offer to sketch us for free since we are such a cute couple.  So we pose and laugh as he works away.  Later we discover he is a well known burglar and regret inviting him to house-sit.  But man, he totally nailed your expression.

Eventually we will have a wedding, and when it is time to feed me the cake you mischievously smear it on my face.  What you won't know is that earlier I switched the frosting with rubber cement.  Now who's the biggest joker?

So if you are the right woman for me, and I do mean a real woman and not another clever computer simulation, get in contact so we can start enjoying these moments together.