Bruce Marshall Comedy

A Marketing Lesson in Bragging About Doctors

2012-02-06T10:56:00.000-06:00

For my last birthday a health insurance provider mailed me a postcard that recommended a visit to one of the listed nearby doctors. Thanks faceless corporation for using my birthday to remind me of my mortality! Normally I would have tossed it directly in the recycling bin but a headline on the card caught my eye. As a way of encouraging me to trust their suggested medical experts they referred to the list as their Two-Star Doctors.

Elsewhere on that card there was a sentence or two explaining how the physicians had earned these stars by offering quality care, or managing costs, or properly sanitizing their waiting room magazines. But I didn’t care. Because I already understood what a two-star rating meant, and it didn’t mean ‘hurry and make an appointment with these doctors.’

In my mind, and most likely yours, the star rating scale normally starts with “Very Poor” at 1 and goes up to “Excellent” at 5. Or in the Netflix universe, “Hated It” to “Loved It”. This is a pretty well established rating system and not really subject to debate, especially not within the limited space available on a double sided postcard.

So I was puzzled at how this group of professional marketers thought they could come along and arbitrarily make two stars worth bragging about. That somehow people like me wouldn’t automatically think these doctors were only slightly better rated than a restaurant serving rats fighting on a platter, or a movie where Nicholas Cage stares mournfully at a pile of sand for 90 minutes.

Then I realized that maybe this idea was just better than the other alternatives they came up with. I imagine the list they brainstormed up may have looked something like this:

Our doctors scored a C-

for Caring minus the hassle.

3 out of 10 patients liked our doctors

and 6 out of the 10 patients loved them.

Doctors who will rip you off

of your death bed and nurse you back to health.

Medical care that keeps you sick,

fly, and busting a move well into old age..

Our doctors have a 50% success rating

and a 50% very successful rating.

These doctors are highly dangerous

to any germs or viruses in your system.

I give these marketers two stars for their effort.

Study finds seniors kept busy pushing invisible cars often happier than peers

2011-11-15T10:51:00.000-06:00

Tennis star preparing 'jazz forehand' return for US Open

2011-08-19T16:31:00.000-05:00

So called 'septuple-deca-mom' facing criticism for not birthing enough tadpoles

2011-05-25T17:02:00.001-05:00

Lazy barista telling customers he only does abstract latte art

2011-05-25T16:36:00.001-05:00

A Letter to My Future Girlfriend

2011-05-03T10:42:00.001-05:00

As a child I remember hearing stories about a future reliant on computer dating. Now here we are! I'm so glad those predictions were wrong and that I can still date human females.

I am looking for a special kind of woman. One with whom I can experience those wonderful moments that make life seem like a song. But it should seem like that year's hit song, and not some old song that causes teenagers to roll their eyes and giggle at me.

I want to share that instant where we spot each other across a sunny mountainside meadow and run together with outstretched arms. Except you are running alongside me as we both try to catch up with a baby stroller careening downhill. As we frantically chase it we share a look that seems to say “who makes these things?!” Referring to the stroller and not the baby, of course.

During our first kiss I want sparks to fly. Not just because of our strong emotional connection but because we're in a steel mill full of shooting sparks. Then the smiling mill workers gather round and cover us with fireproof blankets before an OSHA inspector shows up.

I also want those quiet evenings where we stay in and snuggle close together by a blazing fireplace. You will turn and look deeply into my eyes, somehow correcting my nearsightedness without the costly price tag of laser surgery.

Maybe we could attend a baseball game together and the batter will hit a home run right into our section. I'll lunge and make an amazing catch! After the game we will find the batter and have him sign it for both of us. Then I sell the ball on eBay. That day will always remind you of what good business sense I have.

At some point in our relationship we will have a big fight. You'll drive off in the rain crying. This causes you to accidentally hit me with your car as I run over to apologize. But then you discover it wasn't me after all, just a similar looking bum. You will be so relieved that we make up and move in together, ideally in a neighborhood with fewer bums.

One night as we walk home from dinner a street artist will beckon us over and offer to sketch us for free since we are such a cute couple. So we pose and laugh as he works away. Later we discover he is a well known burglar and regret inviting him to house-sit. But man, he totally nailed your expression.

Eventually we will have a wedding, and when it is time to feed me the cake you mischievously smear it on my face. What you won't know is that earlier I switched the frosting with rubber cement. Now who's the biggest joker?

So if you are the right woman for me, and I do mean a real woman and not another clever computer simulation, get in contact so we can start enjoying these moments together.

Very Subtle Netflix

2011-04-25T22:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes Netflix recommendations seem a little too relevant.

30-Second Screenplays

2011-04-16T13:56:00.000-05:00

Hello. I recently saw your Craigslist ad seeking a writer for 30-60 second screenplays that featured a mid-20s female character. You said you would pay $100 per accepted script and I think this could be a fantastic arrangement for both of us.

I’ve enclosed a few scripts that I was able to quickly write up for your review. I think they could serve as great material for an actress demo tape. Here’s the first one, a thriller, which I call Growing Tension.

INT. FAMILY LIVING ROOM – DAY

We see JAMIE sitting at her dining room table, with her back to the family room. She’s a young mom currently focusing on her laptop computer, its lid facing us. Behind her, a boy and a girl play rambunctiously. Her brow furrows in concentration.

JAMIE

Kids?

No response. She continues typing on her computer, haltingly, as she pauses to watch the screen. The kids begin a pillow fight and their banter grows louder.

JAMIE

(slightly louder)

Kids...

The kids are still oblivious to her. They have abandoned the small pillows and are hitting each other quite hard with large couch cushions. Swinging wildly they hit furniture, shelves, and the window blinds as much as each other.

Their play is having an obvious effect on Jamie’s concentration, but she still looks only at her computer screen.

JAMIE

(louder still)

Kids...

Still no reaction from the kids, who now toss away the couch cushions and start circling each other like cage fighters. Jamie continues working at the computer but raises a questioning eyebrow. Her voice is losing its mother tone.

JAMIE

Kids.

The children charge and we see little more than a flurry of tiny fists, feet, and rumpled clothing. Cries of pain are mixed with their angry shouts.

Jamie's fingers continue pounding at the computer. Her keystrokes match pace with the violent fighting in the background. The look on her face shows us she’s nearing her breaking point.

JAMIE

Kids!

The boy flips his sister over his shoulder and she tumbles half way across the room. The girl lands with a painful thud near the fireplace. Slowly picking herself up, we notice her right hand now grips the fireplace poker. She smiles a terrible smile at her brother and advances towards him as scared pleas escape his mouth.

Jamie’s typing and clicking finally comes to a sudden halt.

JAMIE

That’s the end for you little fuckers!

The CAMERA changes to Jamie’s point of view where we see that she has been working on a computer simulation of cancer this whole time. The words “CURE FOUND” blink on her screen. She’s found the cure for cancer! Her outburst was directed at the infected cells.

We hear small hands clapping in the background as the scene FADES TO BLACK.

I already have a great sequel idea where the woman is driving her mini-van with the kids arguing in the back as she texts instructions to the president on disarming a nuclear bomb.

I like to think of this next script as Man on Wire meets Soul Surfer. It’s an action adventure with heart called Don’t Go Riding Waterfalls.

EXT. NIAGRA FALLS - DAY

The falls present a beautiful sight –- blue water cascades over the curving edge to a rolling river shrouded in mist. But then our perspective jumps to the base of the falls and their raw power is no longer hidden by beauty. Here we can almost feel the force of the water as it endlessly roars down upon the rocks.

We withdraw to the safety of an observation deck where we see a middle-aged man at the railing. CLARK strains against the safety barrier, eyes scanning the top of the falls.

Now we notice Clark is clutching a faded and worn Polaroid picture taken just a few minutes earlier. The photo shows a smiling woman, his daughter ALEXIS, climbing into a large barrel. It’s the old wooden wine cask variety.

Back on Clark we see him catch sight of something at the top of the falls. The CAMERA zooms until we see it is that very same barrel containing Alexis. It bobs up and down in the rapids, often submerging completely as it is drawn down the river.

Right as her barrel is about to topple over the edge of the falls it inexplicably EXPLODES in a massive fireball.

We turn back to see Clark with one arm up shielding his face from the blast. His expression is a mixture of anguish and disbelief. After a moment he turns away from the water and slowly shuffles into the gift shop.

FADE OUT.

The best part about that script is you don’t have to pay travel expenses for your actress to be on location! Take the picture of her climbing into the barrel next to any local river.

Ok, one more for now. This script is a romantic comedy I’ve named The Neural Food Network.

INT. FUTURISTIC SPACESHIP – NIGHT

TOUCHSCREEN WALL WITH LIGHTS

Most of the wall lights have taken on an amber hue as they gently pulse their status or function. We hear soft FOOTSTEPS as a man comes into view. JAYAN is wearing a lightweight jumpsuit covered in pockets with miscellaneous small tools and papers poking out.

He smiles and touches one of the lighted spots next to a microwave-like door in the middle of the wall.

JAYAN

Good morning Replicook.

The feminine but computerized voice of REPLICOOK emerges from speakers in the wall.

REPLICOOK

Replicook awaits your command.

Jayan stretches out his arms and tries to stifle a yawn.

JAYAN

I slept like a baby. How was your night?

REPLICOOK

Operational records indicate no Replicook faults between the 2200 and 0600 hours.

JAYAN

Would it kill you to just say "fine" for once?

REPLICOOK

Negative. Altering the content of Replicook’s verbal output would not trigger a catastrophic system failure.

JAYAN

(chuckling)

Oh Replicook, you are such a kidder. Hey, how about whipping me up Nutriration #17?

REPLICOOK

Nutriration #17 would exceed your recommended caloric meal allotment.

JAYAN

What? Are you saying I’m too fat?

REPLICOOK

Replicook is not programmed to issue a medical diagnosis. However, sensors indicate that your mass has increased by 7% over the past month.

Jayan affectionately pats the wall console.

JAYAN

That’s only because somebody cooks me such delicious meals! Come on, I promise I’ll do an extra set on the Yogacizer later.

All is silent for a moment, then the wall lights shift to a deeper shade of red.

REPLICOOK

Commencing preparation of Nutriration #17.

JAYAN

That’s my girl!

We hear HUMMING as the replicator works. Jayan smiles tenderly at the wall, in no particular hurry.

FADE OUT.

These three scripts give you good variety to start showcasing an actress’s range. Just be prepared for the Oscar nominations to roll in! You can send me a check for the $300 or transfer it to me via PayPal. Let me know when you’re ready for me to write more!

So I'm giving out free trumpet lessons now

2011-04-14T00:28:00.000-05:00

Interest has been surprisingly low.

Argument over sale price during checkout closest TapOut shirt will ever get to actual fight

2011-04-12T07:32:00.001-05:00

Who pays the price for our laughter?

2011-04-05T00:26:00.000-05:00

In a story originally broadcast on NPR’s Marketplace John Moe reports concerns that several popular YouTube videos, featuring an animal called the loris, may actually reveal signs of abuse.

Far from innocent fun, Mr. Moe suggests these clips depict cruelty towards an animal so helpless it actually uses sleep as a defense mechanism. That's right, when faced with a predator's attack the last thought of a loris may be "guess I'll just grab a quick nap during the gruesome parts."

These videos were viewed on YouTube more than 6 million times by people around the world. If they were like me they laughed -- laughed and shared these videos with their friends so they too could laugh. Amidst all this laughter only one man thought to stop laughing, start investigating, and only after he revealed the truth resume laughing, probably about something completely different.

Mr. Moe's selfless act inspired me to take a new look at the other YouTube videos that make us laugh, and what I discovered was shocking.

One popular video making the rounds called Twin Baby Boys Having a Conversation shows us two infants standing in a kitchen. At first glance their smiles and playful chatter make it seem like this is simply an adorable moment caught on home video.

As I watched the boys my mouth unwittingly curled into a smile and I struggled to stop a laugh from escaping my throat. I managed to mask it by faking a hacking cough I first developed back when I still secondhand smoked. Now scared to trust my own instincts on humor I contacted Dr. Helena Katerschmidt, an expert on child development at the Trottings Institute, for her take on this video. She confirmed my fears.

Dr. Katerschmidt immediately pointed out that neither of the boys were wearing clothes, a normal covering used by human children. Clothing is worn by babies to regulate body temperature and provide protection from the elements. These children are otherwise vulnerable because they are cannot grow fur or operate textile manufacturing equipment on their own.

"Without clothing a baby might also be subjected to ridicule by other children or adults," said Dr. Katerschmidt. "This can stunt their social development, cause behavioral problems, or even lead to a reality TV series."

Another area of concern was the boys' speech. Upon closer examination the twins did not seem to be speaking English or any other recognizable language. Dr. Katerschmidt reported seeing similar behavior among prisoners of war, where they often developed secret systems of communication to combat eavesdropping by their captors. "The happy demeanor of the boys may just be part of the deception," she said. "They could actually be discussing very grave subjects, such as what fate had befallen their triplet brother."

However the biggest threat may not be to the boys in this video but to all the other babies of the world. "People watch a funny two minute video and immediately want to run out and get a child of their own," reported Dr. Katerschmidt. Raising a child is a serious commitment and one that should not be taken lightly, despite what popular baby name books would otherwise indicate.

Even with proper care and attention a child may never provide the entertainment a parent so desperately seeks. "The popularity of this video seems to support the theory that the world is filled with ugly, talentless babies that people just need a break from," Dr. Katerschmidt said. She cautions that it often takes months of intense supervision and a lot of luck before you even see a child do something worth writing about on Twitter.

Whether YouTube will review their policy about hosting this type of video is not yet known. But each of us can take action today and make our own choices about what we watch. Are you willing to look your friend in the eyes when they try to show you the hilarious video of bees attacking El Salvadorian soccer players and say "no"? If not, are you willing to look the bees in their eyes?

Businessmen struggle to get introductory handshake back under control

2011-03-24T10:14:00.000-05:00

Politician extremely concerned about radicalization of Islam, excessive mayo on sandwich

2011-03-17T15:36:00.000-05:00

School field trip to meat packing plant convinces students to give up going on field trips

2011-03-17T15:31:00.000-05:00

Jury mistakes lawyer's mounting consipation for a heartfelt plea

2011-03-17T15:27:00.000-05:00

Man takes comment 'if he loves painting so much he should marry it' too seriously

2011-03-03T13:41:00.000-06:00

Bird cleaning industry hit hard by shortage of ongoing oil spills

2011-03-03T12:45:00.000-06:00

My Missed Connection

2011-02-26T20:13:00.000-06:00

You drove me crazy as you sat in traffic

You were the young woman driving what appeared to be a burgundy Toyota southbound on I-35 Friday around rush hour. I was the guy who noticed you from a highway traffic camera.

I only caught a brief glimpse of you in the grainy 300 pixel web cam feed, but in that moment, and the subsequent page refreshes every 10 seconds, I became mesmerized. Something separated you from the surrounding bleary eyed commuters and captured my interest shortly before capturing my heart.

There was a certain regalness to the way you sat behind your steering wheel in the bumper to bumper traffic. Maybe it was the elegance with which you tossed an apple core (maybe a pear) out your car window. Or maybe it was the way you graciously forgave the Prius that cut in front of you, never lashing out with harsh words or a rage filled middle finger.

What struck me was that somehow you seemed to sense I was watching. Yes, I noticed the way you mischievously ran your fingers through your hair and then left your arm resting delicately on the windowsill, as if beckoning me. I couldn't see if you had a wedding ring on, or even whether you had all your fingers. But your actions signaled me even stronger than your left turn blinker, which was on the whole time.

I only hope that soon our paths will cross and we can travel the highway of life together in the multi-passenger lane. Please tell me the number of bumper stickers on your car so I know it's really you.

Overcome with emotion a Bahraini political activist mistakenly hugs curtains following his release from jail

2011-02-23T20:20:00.000-06:00

Benjamin Bernanke now relying on shadow puppets to explain "scary" trade deficit

2011-02-22T22:49:00.001-06:00

Glen Davis shows ref empty mouth to prove he didn't bite off opponent's fingers

2011-02-22T22:38:00.001-06:00

Chair forced to do work of two chairs in struggling job market

2011-02-22T22:20:00.001-06:00

Police name tree as prime suspect in vicious child falling

2011-02-22T22:04:00.003-06:00

Things Not to Buy in 2011

2011-01-06T10:34:00.003-06:00

With 2011 upon us, journalists around the country are sharpening their keyboards to write up predictions on the best and worst purchases in the coming year. It’s this latter category of articles that really annoy me. Written with titles like the ‘10 Things Not to Buy in 2011’ they promise to prevent poor purchasing decisions on behalf of their readers.

Unfortunately, these articles aren’t focusing attention on the right products. One, for example, cautions people not to buy DVDs because online movie streaming services may provide a better alternative.

So avoid DVDs? That’s the kind of terrible product your paper needs to warn readers about? God forbid someone spends money on a portable movie disk that takes up a half inch of shelf space in your home! Buy a DVD in 2011 and fifteen years from now you’ll be desperately begging your children for forgiveness as they break off all contact with you?

No, I can come up with a ton more than just 10 things not to buy in 2011, and mine make a lot more sense.

Take rabid monkeys. Or rather, don’t take them. If you find yourself passing a discount monkey store on your way home from the bar and think “I’ve always wanted a monkey, but rabies testing is so expensive,” just keep driving. Because my friend once the novelty of the monkey and uncontrollable drooling wears off, that’s a decision you and your whole family will regret.

What about garbage? Nope, another entry for the ‘do not buy in 2011’ list. I’d add to this list both burning garbage and stolen garbage, like the type you might buy out of the back of a van in a mall parking lot. Yes, this does include nuclear waste. Adding radiation doesn’t change the fact that it’s still just garbage.

Stew cooked by a hobo? Pass. Silent smoke alarm? Not for you. Two-liter bottles of cat urine? Let a less discerning shopper spring for that one.

I feel comfortable making a blanket recommendation to stay away from any product described with the following words:

Fire damaged
Unisex
Leaky
Nigerian

Avoid signing up for that membership in the Papercut of the Month club. Stop searching eBay for scratch and sniff bumper stickers or used breast implants. Cross ‘petrified goldfish’ off of your shopping list.

Use some common sense and you won’t need to consult any news articles before purchasing products in 2011. Instead spend that time popping in a new DVD and watching that award winning movie about the fire damaged Nigerians who beat the odds to build a leaky, unisex school building.

Twas the Night Before Xpac

2010-12-06T21:47:00.002-06:00

[If you aren't familiar with World of Warcraft this probably won't make much sense to you.]

Twas the night before Xpac, and throughout the world,
Players stood at the ready, while a Cataclysm unfurled.
Bags had been emptied, and weapons made ready,
For new zones to explore, where the XP was steady.

Restless gnomes were afoot, the tauren more placid,
While jumpy night elves kept gulping antacid.
The undead were letting old armor air out,
When a dwarf pointed skyward and let loose a shout.

“The dragon, he comes,” said the frightened earth dweller,
Which silenced us all, even the greedy gold seller.
Our faces turned upwards, we looked on with fear,
Even knowing his arrival brought with it new gear.

Red hot metal scales to his body did cling.
I knew in a moment it must be Deathwing.
Dark silhouette eclipsing stars in the skies,
The great beast peered round, red fire in his eyes.

Searing wind from his wings forced us flat to the ground,
While escaping his maw came a bone shaking sound.
“Bit mad ‘bout my sister,” growled the dragon with disdain,
“But she did get two chances, so it’s hard to complain.”

“Regardless, two new creatures I brought to meet you,”
“Seemed like a good time for them to make their debut.”
With that the two beings jumped down from his back,
The short one a shade greenish, the taller pitch black.

“Welcome the goblins,” he said of the former,
“Deal at your own risk with this crafty performer.”
“Goblins buy and they sell, doing well in this role.”
“One already made an offer for the Dragon Soul.”

“Also here are the worgen, an old, savage race.”
“Their birthplace uncertain, but it’s probably in space.”
“While it’s true many worgen feel at home in the night,”
“I am sure they have nothing to do with Twilight!”

Finished with introductions he looked back at us,
And set forth a challenge without making a fuss.
“Now for the mightiest among you, the true chosen few,”
“We’ll still have our fight before Cata’s through.”

With that said he turned, spread his wings, and took flight,
Silently we all watched, still alarmed at the sight.
“One more thing,” he roared down with unmistakable ire,
“Don’t act like a noob and stand in the fire!”

David Cameron's operatic solo fails to win over Britian's Got Talent judges

2010-06-10T09:36:00.001-05:00

Green Eggs and Harm

2010-05-24T20:04:00.003-05:00

As a kid did you ever feel like some of Dr. Seuss’s stories were a little creepy? That maybe lurking behind those smiling faces and pastel colors, something was amiss? I did, so I’ve written this adaptation of the classic Dr. Seuss story Green Eggs and Ham.

I am not sure it’s comedy. Calling it dark comedy might even be a stretch, but I had fun challenging myself to assemble this tale. Enjoy!

Green Eggs and Harm
By Bruce K. Marshall - Based on Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss

That Sam-I-am. That Sam-I am.
I do not like that Sam-I-am.

In his basement I sit tied,
my tears of terror having dried.
Escape my only wish for now.
A better life my solemn vow.
Unbearable as my current state
I fear a far worse waiting fate.

I hear him coming down the stair,
as I struggle in this chair.
Dim light projects his silhouette.
His dark nature the real threat.
A plate he carries in his hand,
filled with the food I cannot stand.

He sees me and his eyes alight
with sick glee at my dismal plight.
Walks to me, extends the plate,
displays the dish I truly hate.
Here comes the question, I expect.
No answers judged to be correct.

"Do you like green eggs and ham?"
he asks out loud, that dreadful Sam.

The food colored a sickly hue,
its discard date long overdue.
No one would wish to eat his fare.
Only a madman would it prepare.

Interest he feigns to display,
already knowing what I will say.
"I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like green eggs and ham."

Ignoring me, he gestures to
a table resting in our view.
"Would you like them here or there?"
he asks me with a haunted stare.

"I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anywhere."

My weak protest he pays no heed.
On with his offer does he proceed.
"Would you like them in a house?
Would you like them with a mouse?"

A house could hardly this be called.
Its filthy state leaves me appalled.
Mice indeed can here be found,
At home in trash that is abound.
Their infestation of this site
does nothing for my appetite.

"I would not eat them in a house.
I would not eat them with a mouse!"

With little notice of my fuss,
he tries again and probes me thus.
“Would you eat them in a box?
Would you eat them with a fox?”

With questions rarely making sense,
his sanity a thin pretense.
This verbal course on which I’m lead
ends in sure loss, which sees me bled.
The game I tire of right then.
I do not wish to play again.

"Not in a box!
Not with a fox!
I would not eat green eggs and ham!
I do not like them, Sam-I-am!"

His horrid smile does with that grow,
as he sees my temper blow.
"You may like them. You will see.
You may like them in a tree."

A thick rope did he then produce,
its coils forming a hangman’s noose.
His hope to see my rope’s end jive.
That tree no way would I survive.

A hood he lowers on my head.
My heart races with newborn dread.
Sam leans in, mouth drawing near.
His tone becoming more severe.

"Say! In the dark? Here in the dark?
Would you, could you, in the dark?"

Confronted by the bleak unknown
my throat lets out a frightened moan.
These thoughts of death I must abate.
So once again I quickly state
"I do not like green eggs and ham!
I do not like them Sam-I-am!"

Hood jerked off, he eyes me grim.
Wild anger fills dark orbs to brim.
"You do not like them, so you say.
Try them! Try them! And you may.
Try them and you may I say!"

His rage I fear he can’t contain.
Control fading from the strain.
Stakes quickly rising far too high,
my willpower falters to defy.

"Sam! If you will let me be,
I will try them. You will see."

He presents again the plate to me,
surprised he caused me to agree.
My wrist untied, I take a bite.
Impulse to spit it out I fight.
A false smile spreads on my face,
my real intent leaked not a trace.

"Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!"

His face aglow with my new claim,
pleased with how he’s won the game.
He notices not the tightening grip
of my hand which out does whip.
The fork stabs deep into his throat,
Sam slowly slumps as I take note.

I speak as the life from him fades,
to his place among the shades.
"I do so like green eggs and ham.
Thank you. Thank you, Sam-I-am."

Dating site name fail

2010-05-18T20:31:00.004-05:00

Come on marketers, are you even thinking how your site name will sound in a conversation? "Hey guys, I just tried Black People Meet and it was great!"

Afghan president still getting used to new boob job

2010-05-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

Gordon Brown's fish-like kisses called "so adorable" by supporters

2010-05-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

Korean fishermen to star in new season of Deadliest Catch

2010-04-30T08:10:00.004-05:00

Town hall meeting audience expresses feelings over plan to let speakers leave alive

2010-02-12T22:22:00.004-06:00

Sledding accident even more awesome than spectators originally predicted

2010-02-12T22:17:00.003-06:00

Customers anxiously await delivery of the new Apple iPad from Steve Jobs

2010-02-01T10:39:00.004-06:00

Obama advisor demonstrates how she plays DJ Hero on Meet the Press

2010-01-20T10:02:00.003-06:00

Shark’s life saved when attack photos reveal early signs of treatable oral cancer

2010-01-20T09:54:00.001-06:00

Ukraine women’s movement stages political rally dressed as prostitutes. In related news, interest in Ukraine politics skyrockets

2010-01-15T14:22:00.004-06:00

Graphic artist’s love of scorpions becoming increasingly distractive in his work

2010-01-14T09:36:00.004-06:00

Somali boy finds creative solution to bully problem

2010-01-05T10:17:00.001-06:00

Cruella de Vil hired as president of Merck pharmaceutical division. Promises increased puppy testing.

2009-12-22T10:26:00.002-06:00

New Discovery Health Channel show to expose the sexier side of diseases

2009-12-18T10:40:00.000-06:00

Retiring Bank of America CEO reacts to news he'll lose privilege of rolling around naked in piles of customers' cash

2009-12-17T10:36:00.002-06:00

Police warm up protesters with pepper spray on frigid afternoon

2009-12-17T10:32:00.000-06:00

Al Gore spends 10 minutes of speech awkwardly trying to solve global warming with his mind

2009-12-14T16:22:00.001-06:00

[Sadly the original picture was removed so I'll substitute this less funny but similar picture of Al]

More women come forward with claims of an alleged relationship with Tiger Woods

2009-12-13T16:00:00.000-06:00

Reporters don't have heart to tell Senator Joe Lieberman he's using ShamWow wrong

2009-12-13T12:10:00.000-06:00

Refinery worker begrudgingly humors photographer looking for 'bad gas' pose

2009-12-11T15:30:00.000-06:00

George Soros relishes the baby soft skin of his recently attached and vat-grown replacement hand

2009-12-11T15:25:00.001-06:00

Treasury secretary Timothy Geithner won't stop doing his vulcan impression since watching the latest Star Trek movie

2009-12-09T15:36:00.000-06:00

Obama daydreams about growing kick ass mustache like Turkish Prime Minister

2009-12-09T15:13:00.000-06:00

Appearance of blurry, floating shapes once again interrupt UN commissioner speech

2009-12-09T11:37:00.002-06:00

Meet the new blog, same as the old blog

2009-12-09T11:20:00.000-06:00

I started using the MySpace blogging function when I joined up several years ago. However, now that MySpace has gone the way of buggy whips, buggy whip repairmen, and buggy whip repairman whips, I don't really feel like blogging there any more.

So this blog (http://pswdfreak.blogspot.com) will be the new slate for publishing my comedy material not appearing elsewhere.

You can still access my previous blog archives, which retain their entertainment value slightly better than old issues of the Buggy Whip Monthly magazine: http://blogs.myspace.com/severelybruced