Missouri OKs Bill Requiring Attendants for ATM Use

Missouri OKs Bill Requiring Attendants for ATM Use
April 1, 2014


JEFFERSON CITY, MO – A close vote in the Missouri Senate on Monday led to approval of a bill that will limit use of automated teller machines in the state to authorized attendants. Referred to as the "Hands Off Your Money" plan it promises to create more local jobs while also cutting down on personal financial instability.

Past legislation has required the use of attendants for pumping gas in the states of Oregon and New Jersey, but this is the first time a ban on self-service has been extended to ATMs. The bill’s sponsor, Sen. Ben Kacowt, R – Cashmore, says this measure was long overdue. "We’ve watched too many Missouri citizens lose their jobs to machines and we’re ready to reverse this trend."

Bank and credit union customers will still be able to visit their local ATM for withdrawals and deposits, but they won’t be able to interact with the machines directly. Attendants will take a customer’s card and ask them for their PIN as well as any other instructions on how to carry out their transaction. This will also provide personnel with time to wipe down the customer’s card and make sure withdrawn cash is devoid of drawings or offensive messages.

All attendants will also be trained in basic financial management techniques and can work with customers to make sure they’re making wise decisions. "If a customer is down to their last $100 an attendant can ask them to reconsider whether a night out is really appropriate," said Kacowt. "A computer just won’t care about that."

The bill requires banks to staff ATMs 24/7, which may help to combat late night customer robberies. While attendants will not be armed or allowed to physically intervene in attacks, the law will allow them to shout discouraging remarks at would-be criminals and flash overhead lights.

A fee of $0.50 will be added to all ATM transactions to support the new jobs. Sen. Kacowt said the legislature was glad to fund the measure without further state spending while also making sure that frequent ATM users paid for the privilege. "Think of this as a concierge service for your wallet," Kacowt said.

Not everyone is excited about this change. Melanie Scotts, a mother from Independence, said she doesn’t need another person involved in her banking. "I look forward to the solitude of using an ATM. It’s just me and the machine -- the rest of the world melts away for those few minutes, until the beeping reminder to take my transaction slip jolts me back to reality."

The bill is expected to be signed into law today by Gov. Jay Nixon, and will take effect on April 31st.

A Marketing Lesson in Bragging About Doctors

For my last birthday a health insurance provider mailed me a postcard that recommended a visit to one of the listed nearby doctors.  Thanks faceless corporation for using my birthday to remind me of my mortality!  Normally I would have tossed it directly in the recycling bin but a headline on the card caught my eye.  As a way of encouraging me to trust their suggested medical experts they referred to the list as their Two-Star Doctors.

Elsewhere on that card there was a sentence or two explaining how the physicians had earned these stars by offering quality care, or managing costs, or properly sanitizing their waiting room magazines.  But I didn’t care.  Because I already understood what a two-star rating meant, and it didn’t mean ‘hurry and make an appointment with these doctors.’

In my mind, and most likely yours, the star rating scale normally starts with “Very Poor” at 1 and goes up to “Excellent” at 5.  Or in the Netflix universe, “Hated It” to “Loved It”.  This is a pretty well established rating system and not really subject to debate, especially not within the limited space available on a double sided postcard.

So I was puzzled at how this group of professional marketers thought they could come along and arbitrarily make two stars worth bragging about.  That somehow people like me wouldn’t automatically think these doctors were only slightly better rated than a restaurant serving rats fighting on a platter, or a movie where Nicholas Cage stares mournfully at a pile of sand for 90 minutes.

Then I realized that maybe this idea was just better than the other alternatives they came up with.  I imagine the list they brainstormed up may have looked something like this:

Our doctors scored a C-

for Caring minus the hassle.

3 out of 10 patients liked our doctors

and 6 out of the 10 patients loved them.

Doctors who will rip you off

of your death bed and nurse you back to health.

Medical care that keeps you sick,

fly, and busting a move well into old age..

Our doctors have a 50% success rating

and a 50% very successful rating.

These doctors are highly dangerous

to any germs or viruses in your system.

I give these marketers two stars for their effort.

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A Letter to My Future Girlfriend

As a child I remember hearing stories about a future reliant on computer dating.  Now here we are!  I'm so glad those predictions were wrong and that I can still date human females.

I am looking for a special kind of woman.  One with whom I can experience those wonderful moments that make life seem like a song.  But it should seem like that year's hit song, and not some old song that causes teenagers to roll their eyes and giggle at me.

I want to share that instant where we spot each other across a sunny mountainside meadow and run together with outstretched arms. Except you are running alongside me as we both try to catch up with a baby stroller careening downhill.  As we frantically chase it we share a look that seems to say “who makes these things?!”  Referring to the stroller and not the baby, of course.

During our first kiss I want sparks to fly.  Not just because of our strong emotional connection but because we're in a steel mill full of shooting sparks.  Then the smiling mill workers gather round and cover us with fireproof blankets before an OSHA inspector shows up.

I also want those quiet evenings where we stay in and snuggle close together by a blazing fireplace.  You will turn and look deeply into my eyes, somehow correcting my nearsightedness without the costly price tag of laser surgery.

Maybe we could attend a baseball game together and the batter will hit a home run right into our section.  I'll lunge and make an amazing catch!  After the game we will find the batter and have him sign it for both of us.  Then I sell the ball on eBay.  That day will always remind you of what good business sense I have.

At some point in our relationship we will have a big fight.  You'll drive off in the rain crying.  This causes you to accidentally hit me with your car as I run over to apologize.  But then you discover it wasn't me after all, just a similar looking bum.  You will be so relieved that we make up and move in together, ideally in a neighborhood with fewer bums.

One night as we walk home from dinner a street artist will beckon us over and offer to sketch us for free since we are such a cute couple.  So we pose and laugh as he works away.  Later we discover he is a well known burglar and regret inviting him to house-sit.  But man, he totally nailed your expression.

Eventually we will have a wedding, and when it is time to feed me the cake you mischievously smear it on my face.  What you won't know is that earlier I switched the frosting with rubber cement.  Now who's the biggest joker?

So if you are the right woman for me, and I do mean a real woman and not another clever computer simulation, get in contact so we can start enjoying these moments together.